Slightly-Used Year Resolutions

OK...so now we are well past New Year and the sun will shine an extra 3 minutes and 52 seconds longer today than it did yesterday, I think it's just barely safe to make some resolutions. So, for the rest of 2007...


I promise not to look on the timeanddate.com website every day to see how much longer the daylight is today than it was yesterday, and then feel a little smug like I had something to do with it.

I promise not to use less daylight as a reason to sleep in and wear a wrinkled shirt in the morning.

I promise not to pick on Tom so much.

I promise that, in the event I cannot keep the above promise, to pick more on Kitty to balance things out.

I promise not to have popcorn for dinner three nights in a row and and then justify it by calling it a cleanse.

I promise not to have another cigarette...except in my dreams, which I can't help, and is really driving me frigging crazy.

I promise not to be disappointed in myself for the things I do in my dreams.

I promise to go on more dates with nice boys.

I promise, in the event I cannot keep the above promise, to go on more dates with not-so-nice boys.

I promise, in the event I cannot keep either of those, to get a cat.

I promise not to have a hundred cats by the end of the year. Or ever, for that matter.

I promise to actually clean my bathroom when in danger of having company, rather than just a surface swipe and a prayer to Martha Stewart that they won't drop anything on the floor.

I promise not to be offended by the phrase, "Oh, so you're the 40 year-old friend I've heard so much about!"

I especially promise not to scratch her eyes out.

I promise not to be offended by the phrase, "You look great for 41!" regardless if it's coming from a nice or not-so-nice boy.

I especially promise not to scratch his eyes out.

I promise to dress my age, whatever the hell that means, Mother.

I promise to improve my Spanish.

Prometo mejorar mi ingles.

I promise to learn all the words to Nothingman.

I promise to pay more attention and not be so flighty.

What was I doing?

I promise to try and not be such a needy pain in the ass and drive everyone nuts because I have to be involved in everything all the time. Whatever, I promise to get better at punctuation?

I promise to ask for more help.

I promise, if I can't get it or make it happen myself, and I really want it, to ask for it.

I promise to never let anyone important leave without being certain he knows.